In the beginning.

It’s been a bit of an afternoon to be frank – (being Debs has been no picnic either to be honest!) Today, since I was already confined to the boudoir with various aches and pains post my luxury sojourn in the Belfast City Hospital renal ward last week, where I was bathing…actually drowning isn’t really too strong a word, in the….well, slightly choppy waters to be honest, of finest magnesium, calcium extracted from Northern Dairies and Belfast City Council Water mixed with salt from the local Chippy. To add to the general ambience there were various trial specimens of chemical warfare (previously intended for Iraq but deemed a tad inhumane I suspect) before the Postal Strike and the rise of the first class stamp, being pumped into me via foot long syringes on a regular basis. (On the positive side – I could have been in the Ulster Clinic and actually paying for the privelige – just to receive plumper mashed potato, creamier pillows and to have the comfort of knowing that the bread IS in fact Ormo) I decided to give in to public demand and begin to write my very first blog….and by blog I really mean vague meandering witterings of a more than slightly potty “woman-of-a-certain-age” as and when they occur to me. The main purpose of this at the moment is to stop my incessant verbal congestivitis from clogging the pages of those infinitely more talented than I…..but I digress – back to this afternoon.

Following a somewhat hurried tutorial via text by one of my best friends and conveniently placed familial member who is herself a talented and established Painter (and Graphic Designer I hasten to add – as distinct from Decorator) herself preparing for a rather important weekend Exhibition where she will be ‘The Artist In Residence’ (well – it’s not actually in her residence as such as it’s a conveniently placed Barn and Studio outside her house). I’m digressing again – anyway Lisa, being usually of a very loving, encouraging and patient disposition, but presently somewhat, harassed, stressed and tied for time, gave me some brief pointers and cut the apron strings with a savage finality that left me breathless and a little lost (to be honest I have a vague suspicion she turned her phone off after my sixth hysterical wail of “but what if???”” text, but can’t prove it ) . If you haven’t already grasped the point of this entire paragraph it is that I am completely terrified by technology!

Where was I? – oh yes, the page! Well eventually I worked out which was the right-hand corner of the appropriate columnn of the right page and found a fairly comprehensive tutorial and then spent a tedious but valiant half an hour fighting with facebook about what I could call MY page and how many characters I could use. They won, but not without a valiantly fought battle wherein I had reworked my chosen title 6 times did I give in – I’m no quitter! I thought “Occasionally Poetic but Mostly Humourous Storyteller – Short In Stature, Long In Vocabulary” was the perfect title for me – but no facebook wouldn’t have it! There followed a good hour and a half whilst I agonised over the six or seven witty lines of “intro de moi” to be displayed under my picture. When I finally decided I was happy with it, I clicked close – and the whole thing completely disappeared!!! It was then I decided to adopt the appropriate persona and give vent to my first complete and utter artistic and literary paddy-whack!! “Where is the moon when I want to howl at it?! I railed theatrically at 4.30 on a late July afternoon – You really would think the Heavenly Bodies would have a little sympathy for my plight!” I moaned warming to my subject (an interesting fact at this point is that it is impossible to wring anguished tears from a snow-white hanky when it is in fact, Kleenex). The best joke of all is that just as I was marvelling at my brilliance in creating this cover for my masterpiece – I had sent an invitation to view it to the woman who had encouraged me in the first place!! Now – very possibly I realised – she had the document and I did not. That, I believe, is an excellent example of true irony .

25 July 2010